Responding in Love When You’ve Been Hurt By The Church

Deanna was a widow who had been a faithful member of her local church for years. She taught Sunday school, helped out in the nursery, and even led some of the women’s events when they needed a speaker.

So, when Deanna was cheated out of money by one of the deacons, she went to the pastor. She had the evidence to prove her claims and asked the older man to settle the matter quietly.

Unfortunately, Deanna’s pastor covered up the deacon’s theft and made it sound like Deanna and her family members were liars. People she’d spent years ministering to suddenly turned their backs on her.

Deanna was shocked and hurt by how quickly everything changed. She’d poured her time and talents into her local church. She’d trusted that they would take up her cause and give her justice when she'd been wronged.

When You’ve Been Hurt By The Church

Unfortunately, Deanna’s situation isn’t unique. Many Christians find themselves hurt by the church for one reason or another. 

Maybe you pointed out a problem only to be seen as the problem. Perhaps you sided with someone who was in the right (like Deanna) only to find you’re also shunned. Maybe you chose to love someone your church deemed too far gone or too unworthy.

When you are hurt by the church, it can feel as if your faith is shattering. You might wonder who you are, if what you believe is really true, or even if God cares about what you’re going through.

This can be compounded by the fact that their faith is intertwined with the church for many Christians. You might believe that you’re a “good” Christian because you attend church a certain number of times a week or help out with a particular ministry. 

After being hurt by the church, you’re no longer sure of your identity. You question everything, wondering if you’ve believed in lies. 

These feelings are completely normal, and they don’t make you a bad person. When something terrible happens (inside or outside of the church), it’s a natural reaction to spend time in reflection. You’ll have many questions like…

• Why does this hurt so much?
• Should I stay or go?
• What does this mean for my faith?
• Has God abandoned me?
• Why doesn’t anyone see how wrong this is?
• Am I losing my church?
• How can I stay here and continue to worship?

These are serious questions, and it can take weeks or months to work through them. You might find it helpful to reach out to a Christian counselor you trust or a Godly, supportive friend that can walk with you through this season.

Why Being Hurt By The Church Cuts So Deeply

It can be incredibly painful when your sisters and brothers in the faith have abandoned you, lied about you, or shunned you. The ache is more profound because we feel as though we’ve lost our community.

God designed the church to function much like a family at its core. He longs for us to support, protect, guide, love, respect, and cherish one another. He wants us to walk in perfect harmony, seeking Him and living a holy life together.

It's natural to grieve when our fellowship with those we love is broken. You may find yourself walking through moments of intense denial, anger, or sadness. These emotions may come on like waves. Once one wave recedes, the next starts, and you feel as if you’re trapped in a cycle of pain.

Leaving Your Church: Should You Stay or Go?

How to Stay without Becoming Bitter

Of course, you don’t have to leave your local church. You may see enough valid reasons to stay. Perhaps you’re good friends with many of the attendees. Maybe you enjoy your church routines. Perhaps you love the ministry you work in and believe that God is calling you to stay.

If that’s your situation, then the challenge will be to stay without becoming bitter. Because of the nature of church, you will end up seeing or even interacting with those that hurt you in the future.

Just as healthy families practice forgiveness, it’s important to practice forgiveness within the church family. This doesn’t mean that you have to overlook someone’s offense and pretend it didn’t happen or immediately trust them again and allow them the same level of intimacy. 

In a healthy relationship, the offending party recognizes there is a time period of restoration. During this time, the offender works to express Godly sorrow over their actions, rebuild trust, and seek healing.

However, if it’s a situation like Deanna’s, the offending party may be unwilling to admit their sin. Others might cover it up, and they may even be protected by church leadership.

Forgiving someone who has not sought to make amends can be especially challenging. It might feel as though you need the other person to say “sorry” and express remorse before you can begin to forgive and heal.

However, consider Jesus on the Cross. Jesus said, 

As he was being stoned, Stephen uttered a similar prayer (Acts 7:60). 

It’s certainly wonderful to receive an apology, and a sincere one can go a long way toward healing your heart. But both of these verses above illustrate that you do not have to hear the offender say they’re sorry before you can offer forgiveness. 

In fact, your offender may never apologize to you. They may never realize the depth of hurt they’ve caused or how they’ve forever altered your life. 

How to Leave without Losing Your Faith

It’s a beautiful thing to stay within your church and continue to fellowship with those you’ve grown to love. However, you may be in a situation where you can’t stay with your church any longer.

Perhaps you were asked to leave. Maybe you decided it would be best for your health to spend some time away from church. Perhaps you cannot continue any longer and need space to recover from a toxic church family.

It’s not easy to leave when you’ve been hurt by the church. Even a bad one may have provided certain things you wanted, such as a feeling of belonging, a sense of connection, or simply the belief that you were not alone.

Understanding what the church was giving you can help you work through your grief as you leave. You might find that God can fulfill that need for you in other ways. For example, if your church gave you a feeling of belonging, perhaps God will send you a sweet group of friends who will make you feel included and wanted.

Just as forgiveness is essential for those staying in the church, it’s essential for those who have left, too. Forgiveness allows you to live unburdened by bitterness, hatred, jealousy, anger, resentment, and pain. 

However, it’s important to understand that the decision to forgive will sometimes have to be made again and again. That’s what happened with Deanna. She left her church but chose to forgive the deacon who cheated her out of money. 

But there were moments when she had to make the decision repeatedly, like when she saw him out at the supermarket or heard he was being honored as the town’s businessman of the year.

Ultimately, she didn’t do it for the deacon. She did it so she could live with peace and joy in her heart. She chose not to carry around the stone of unforgiveness and allow it to poison her life.

Coming Back into the Fold

Be Real About the Journey

As your relationship with your church changes, or if you choose to leave, be honest with God. Talk about your disappointment and frustration, your struggle to forgive, your moments of doubt, and your insecurities because you’ve been hurt by the church. 

There’s a beautiful verse in Psalm 62,

God wants all of your emotions—the good, the bad, and the ugly. He wants you to share your heart with Him. No matter what you’re going through with your church family, He still loves you and wants a relationship with you!

Grace and peace,

Alicia