the compassionate caregiver

When Michael noticed his elderly father was having trouble doing some tasks, he started pitching in more. He would spend his weekends cleaning his dad’s gutters and mowing the lawn.

As time went on, he started to do more and more for his father. Soon, he found himself handling his father’s errands, then his laundry and meals.

Nadia was at work one day when she got a call from the school nurse that her child had been transported to the hospital. She raced to the children’s ward, where a doctor informed her that her son had type 1 diabetes and was in the middle of an acute crisis.

Her son recovered from the crisis without serious complications. But in the coming weeks, Nadia had to learn how to navigate the medical system, advocate for her child, and apply to cover the cost of insulin.

Sometimes, becoming a caregiver starts gradually as it did for Michael. Other times, a sudden crisis can lead you to become a caregiver in the blink of an eye. Regardless of how it happens, caregiving is often overwhelming and exhausting.

5 Things Every Caregiver Should Know

Caregiving often requires that you give a lot of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. You might think that you should face this trial stoically and with perfect faith. But there are five things that you should know as a caregiver.

It’s Normal to Be Overwhelmed

While you’re caring for someone else, it can be easy to get overwhelmed. You might feel frustrated and stressed because of the demands on your time. That’s because life doesn’t stop just because you become a caregiver.

You still have to juggle all the same things that you used to before. But now you have new tasks on your plate. You’re responsible not only for yourself and your family but for an additional person as well.

You might have days where you feel like you just can’t cope. This is completely normal, and it doesn’t mean that you’re a terrible person or that you don’t care about your loved one.

It's OK If You Can’t Do It All

Some caregivers forget this. They often want to care for their loved one but don’t realize how big the task can be or how draining it is. This could be doubly hard if your schedule was already packed before you became a caregiver.

There will be days when you simply don’t have the energy to care for an aging parent or a sick child on top of making dinner. When you add having to keep the house clean or working outside the home, the load can quickly become too much for one person to handle.

It’s Normal to Be Scared

The emotional side of caregiving can take a heavy toll on you. It’s hard to watch someone you love suffering. It may be that you’re watching an aging parent struggle with dementia or seeing a beloved child unable to do things that other kids can do.

Maybe you’re watching a friend become frail or lose their ability to communicate the way they once did. You may even feel as if you’re caring for a stranger at times.

It’s OK to be Angry

It’s Normal to Grieve

It’s normal to grieve as the relationship with your loved one changes. You might grieve for your mom as you watch her struggle with basic everyday tasks that she was once capable of doing easily. You might grieve for the life of your loved one as they struggle to accept their new normal.

You may even grieve for yourself. Your own life was turned upside down. Suddenly, you have extra responsibilities and stress that you never asked for.

The Struggle Is Part of the Journey

Know that it’s normal to have weeks or even months when you struggle with your new reality. It’s normal to wish that your life were easier. But also know that you’re not alone. God has promised to bear the burdens of your life with you.

In Psalms, David proclaimed,

Asking for Help as a Caregiver

Make A List

Start by making a list. Look at the responsibilities that you are faced with and ask yourself which ones truly need to be done by you.

Maybe your loved one needs a special diet, and you’re the only one who can prepare it. But do you have to be the one driving them to their physical therapy? Maybe a friend or someone in your community could do that.

Understand that Family Members Do Want to Help

You might ask for support from a spouse or another family member to help you care for your sick child. You might assume that this person will step up and be glad to help. Unfortunately, families can struggle to pull together in a crisis.

Even then, family members can have different definitions of pulling together. Linda was a caregiver to her medically fragile son. She was exhausted and needed a break.

Meanwhile, her husband Dean started working longer hours at his job. Linda felt alone in caring for her son and viewed Dean’s long hours as a form of abandonment.

But because of the medical bills, Dean was worried about money. His way of coping was to work harder to provide, and he didn’t understand why Linda couldn’t see that. They both felt resentful and unappreciated even though they were both doing their best to be a caregiver in a way that felt natural to them.

The point isn’t that one way of caring is right or wrong. Each person tries to care for others in the way God gifted them. That means your sister may care for your aging mother by doing fun activities to lift her spirit and encourage her.

Meanwhile, if you’re gifted in organization and planning, you might be responsible for scheduling doctor’s appointments and dealing with day-to-day care. It might seem as if your sister is irresponsible when she’s trying to provide care in a way that feels right to her.

Be Direct

When you understand that those around you are trying to help in a way that feels natural to them, it can open your eyes to the good they are doing. It can also lift your spirit to remember that they are working with you.

However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t make a request. Be direct with what you need. You might be tempted to say, “I need help caring for mom.” Instead, make a direct request, “I need to have some time away. Could you sit with Mom for a couple of hours one afternoon this week?”

Your loved ones may or may not be able to help you when you make a direct request. But if you never ask or you’re only vague, you definitely won’t get what you need.

Don’t Be Alone

Seeking out company can often make a difficult task more bearable. If you have something painful to do, such as cleaning out an aging parent’s home in preparation for moving them into a nursing home, invite someone to be with you.

Becoming a caregiver to some family members can bring up difficult emotions. Having a friend that’s always been supportive can help make the task easier on you.

Practicing Self-Care for Busy Caregivers

As a caregiver, you can quickly feel drained. Most caregivers push themselves past their endurance weekly and sometimes daily. Even when they suffer, they keep on going because those they love are counting on them.

But remember that when you push yourself too hard, you can become ill, struggle with your mental health, and even experience burnout. That’s why it’s essential to take care of yourself when you’re a caregiver.

Why Taking Care of You Matters

Caregivers are more likely than the general population to suffer from depression. That’s because when you’re busy caring for someone else, it’s easy to let your own needs go unmet.

Additionally, caregivers are more likely to battle anger and anxiety related to their complex roles. You may deal with feelings of guilt and negative thoughts and absorb these same feelings from the person you care for.

For example, your father suffering from dementia may have a rare lucid moment when he realizes that he’s not the same person he was. The resulting anger and frustration may be directed at you in the form of a verbal outburst. Not only are you dealing with his pain, but now it’s complicated by your own grief.

Put Fun Things on the Calendar

You must take care of your own needs. When you take care of yourself first, it’s easier to meet someone else’s needs. Plan out some fun or relaxing things to do, even if it’s just an hour at the library or sitting on the porch in the sun for a few minutes.

Protect these times with yourself. It’s easy when you’re caregiving to let your calendar get taken over with appointments like doctor’s visits, physical therapy, and surgeries. You can start living for that next appointment instead of slowing down and enjoying the moment or getting the break you need.

Be Realistic

Once you become a caregiver, the number of things you can get done will change drastically. That’s because you have less time and energy now.

You might have days where it feels like you’re just going through the motions, and you won’t be able to get everything done. Don’t schedule every second of your day. Instead, plan for margin as this can help prevent overwhelm.

Practice Healthy Eating

Caregiving can sometimes bring on emergency situations. During an acute crisis, you might find yourself eating from vending machines or grabbing fast food frequently. This is completely normal, and you don’t need to feel bad about it. Just make the best choices you can with what’s available. Choose foods that will give you long-term energy and not just a quick jolt.

Sleep When You Can

Many caregivers have to be available around the clock. This means if the person you’re caring for has an emergency at three in the morning, your sleep is interrupted.

If your sleep is frequently disturbed because of caregiving, go easy on yourself. It’s hard to live on a sleep deficit. Try to get naps in where and when you can. This can be a excellent area to ask for help with. Ask a community member to come over and watch your loved one while you nap for an hour.

Remember to Retreat

After an overwhelming day spent caring for the needs of others, Jesus went away to spend time alone with the Father (Matthew 14:22-23). It’s natural to need recharging. God didn’t create us to run 24/7. He values our rest and longs to give it to us.

Of course, depending on the level of care your loved one needs, you may not be able to retreat all night. But even if you’re sitting watch over a medically fragile loved one, you can still grab your Bible and crawl into your Heavenly Father’s lap. He longs to hold you through this crisis and renew your strength.

How the Church Can Love & Support Caregivers

God intended for the church to be a body of people who loved as He loved. The church wants to love caregivers and be supportive. But if you’ve never been in that situation, you may feel uncertain about what to do. Here are some tips to help…

Skip the Trite Advice

Offer to Run Errands

You can take tasks off a caregiver’s plate by offering to run errands. For example, you might say, “I’m headed to the grocery store. What can I pick up for you?”

If you know the caregiver has children in the same school that yours attend, offer to pick up their children when you get yours. If you know that the caregiver is stretched thin on time, stop by with a few extra freezer meals or stop by to mow the aging parent's grass if the weary caregiver is usually the one who does that.

You can also offer to take the caregiver’s vehicle to the gas station and fill it up with gas. This can be a big help if the caregiver has many errands or appointments to handle as it’s one less thing they’ll have to worry about.

Spend Time Together

Caregiving can be a lonely situation. Many caregivers feel isolated and left behind because they can no longer keep up with the same social calendar that they once had. Well-meaning friends and family often stop inviting overwhelmed caregivers to events out of respect for their time or worry about adding more to their plate.

But you can help an isolated caregiver by being their social network. For example, you might say, “I have some time on Friday evening, and I’d like to do a fun activity with you. Can I take you out for coffee?”

If the caregiver has no one to watch the person they care for, then arrange to do something that doesn’t require finding someone to watch the other person. For example, you could say, “I’d like to come over and play games Friday night. There’s no need to worry about being the host. I’ll bring a meal, too.”

Offering to come over frees them from the stress of being away from the one they care about and, at the same time, lets them know they haven’t been forgotten.

Don’t Ask What You Can Do

Instead, look for a task and simply do it. Show up to bring something that’s needed or bring some meals by. Ask God to guide you and give you the wisdom to show you how best to serve a caregiver.

You can also show up to stay with the person in need of care and give the caregiver the option to go out on her own to run errands or to just have some free time.

God Sees Caregivers

Caregiving is one of the most challenging jobs on the planet, and for most people caring for a family member or friend, the work is unpaid. There are no thanks or rarely any acknowledgment.

But God sees you, precious caregiver, and you are close to His heart. You are never more like Christ than when you are giving care to others.

David shares this beautiful truth about God’s nurturing and caring nature in Psalms.

In the middle of this busy season, God is your caregiver. He is providing you with the strength and grace you need to care for the one you love.

Grace and peace,

Alicia